Grief & Sadness, Joy & Positivity

Grief, sadness, and manifesting more joy & positivity ?

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Sounds contradictory, but all of these things are coming through together for me. As I’ve been listening to my audiobooks, diving further into all things spiritual and all things doula to deepen my connection to myself, the universe, and the love I’ve got for the journey through pregnancy into motherhood and beyond- I’ve been uncovering layers, learning more, and feeling more. The process is somehow bumpy, yet flows at the same time. As one layer comes back, whatever is stagnant inside is free to move up and out, and I am able to embed new information, whether it be a beautiful loving spiritual belief or a fascinating fact from a scientific study.

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In one specific exercise, I was to ask for guidance from the universe: to ask for two signs to come to me to confirm that I am on my path. To be specific in these signs was important- not to ask for the number 80 to show up and then when you’ve seen the number 40 to assume that was close enough because 40 plus itself equals 80.

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I stated what my “signs” from the universe were, to show me that I am on the right path in all things in my life. One hour later, the first happened. A call from a potential client, out of the blue, no one I knew or had met or anything. That call felt like I knew my deep seeded desires were being nurtured and fed to grow and grow. I was excited, and let my body grow a little further into the world around me, with trust.

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Sign number two wasn’t coming. It had been 3 days. Maybe sign one was a coincidence. Maybe I didnt need to be asking for signs anyway. Maybe I should trust that I’m always on the path on which I belong anyhow, and I’m always just going to be redirected appropriately. Yes, that felt right, it felt good. It justified not having my other sign, too.

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As I started to pull out of my driveway Saturday morning, I reached to the radio volume knob. There was the beginning of “Free Bird” playing. There was Sam. There was that final sign. And there was SOBBING. Thank goodness my sunglasses were on and the kids couldn’t tell… but there I was, ugly crying in the car. With each tear I cried, I settled my self into the trust of knowing that I was where I needed to be, I was filled with love, and I was not alone- I was guided, by my heart, by the beautiful wild energy of my sisters spirit.

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I am not a crier in sadness – I am an “emotion stuffer.” I try to be objective so that I do not fall apart, so that I can be sure everything still gets taken care of, and in particular so that others can be taken care of through difficult times. Through all of this “layer peeling” business, I’ve begun to remove that block.

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I can feel myself grieving. And it gives me joy, purpose, and so so much feeling. It’s removing a block I had towards feeling my sister- memories, visions of her, stories to tell the kids- they felt somewhat dulled because I wouldn’t allow myself into that space. I was so shut off that it wasn’t even fear I felt towards opening that piece of me- it was me denying its existence at all.

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And that is maybe a step in grieving, to pretend that you don’t have to grieve. That you can sweep it all under the rug, and carry on by saying and doing nice things that simply remind you of the person you miss so painfully. The denial piece has lasted 2.5 years for me, and in all honest- I have only cried a handful of times in those years.

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I believe I’ve left sadness embedded deeply inside myself without release for far too long. I haven’t allowed myself the love, the peace, the joy of moving some of this sadness out of the different parts of my body and being to allow my life to be full again. To be full of love and excitement and passion.

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The next step in my grieving process is to let the anger that’s left behind go. To move out the judgement in my life, and very specifically work through the judgement that is white-knuckle clinging to my insides surrounding drug addiction. I struggle immensely with freeing myself, my sister, and so many friends from the WHY. WHY the hell you would do this, how could you, what would ever let you follow through with this AWFUL choice to abuse a substance?

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Every single day of my life is a lesson in life, and a lesson in compassion. We are all just human as we are here, being separated by all the distractions of the modern day from our truer selves, our deeper selves, from the ease and beauty of our spirits. I dive deeper daily to bring me closer to that truth, to become more loving towards myself and others, and to realize our connections to one another and the beautiful energy from which we are all flowing through together. With each layer gone, I am enlightened. With each block release, more light and positivity and love flows.

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With each step, I am moving through my own stages of grief, becoming closer with myself, and becoming closer to this magical little girl in the photo holding the sunflowers. My little sister Samantha. ❤️